Most men start relationships with the best of intentions, falling in love, settling down, having children and living a blissful family life. But like all relationships, there are problems and turbulence which spring up here and there. It becomes problematic when these issues constantly trample on the man’s emotions and make him question so many things about himself and his sanity.

Nigerian men, who are in abusive relationships, have trouble seeing that they are being abused by their partners because they are conditioned from the time they are little boys to be tough, to conceal their fears, and to play a role that is based on a false construct of self-sacrifice as the “right thing to do.”

Here are some reasons why Nigerian men stay in abusive relationships:

1. Fear

Just like women, men get scared of a lot of things, including the reaction of friends and family, being alone, starting afresh, falling into the hands of another woman worse than their current partner, and fathers fear not being in the life of their children.

2. Children

Children play a pivotal role in marriages. Most men see their children as their source of joy and consolation for whatever physical and emotional pain their partner throws at them. Many men are scared of losing their children or having to spend time with them only on weekends, so they put up with their partners and stay in unhappy, abusive relationships

3. Guilt

The man may believe that his partner is sick and needs his help. Men are trained to think that they can and should save their abusive mates, that their partners can change. Thus, the idea of leaving a spouse can induce feelings of guilt.

4. Lack of Self-esteem

The man may come to believe that he somehow deserves the abuse to which he has been subjected (and has likely been told this repeatedly by his partner). Lack of self-esteem and the belief that he doesn’t deserve anything better can be paralyzing for a battered man. This lack of self-esteem cuts across racial, ethnic, religious, and socio-economic lines. Men of all types and professions can be and are battered.

5. Love

Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear. Most men want to stop the abuse but don’t know how to end it safely.

6. Religious Beliefs

Statements such as “I don’t believe in divorce,” and “we took vows” are used to reaffirm a commitment to a bad marriage.

7. Cultural or Ethnic Background

Nigerian men often have a hard time admitting they have been abused or battered—it’s an attack on their masculinity and sexuality—both key components of the Nigerian self-concept. In a vain attempt to cover up and present to the world an image of “manliness,” they stay.

Tori 4 Town Guest Profile: Henry Emeka Obidi

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