#AskHappenings: I found romantic messages on my husband’s phone from another woman, should I confront him?

Mfonobong Akpan

Hello #AskHappenings,

I’m devastated and in a state of confusion. I have been married to my husband for 10 years now and I have never had the cause to doubt him. I was going about cleaning our room one morning while he was in the shower when a message came into his phone.  I innocently clicked the open button and found it was just a network service message. I didn’t stop there, something just instinctively said I go further, I checked and found messages with a flirty tone from a certain woman. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I feel totally betrayed by him. When he stepped out of the bath, he noticed my countenance had changed and asked what was wrong, but I told him I was fine. I’m thinking of confronting him because I can’t keep this locked in. I want to know what’s going on. Then again I don’t want him thinking I was snooping around. What do I do?


Let me start by saying that you musn’t blame yourself for the wrong your husband has committed. Though you may or may not have contributed to his wondering off, it is entirely his fault and he must take responsibility for it.

The thought of uncertainty is most likely eating at you right now, since you have no idea what’s happening or going to happen from this point. Is your relationship still safe?, How long has it been going on? Does he still love you? To get answers to these questions you sure need to confront him.

I’m sorry about what you’re dealing with. It can really be quite devastating indeed when you find out your husband has been cheating emotionally with no prior signs at all, but you need to put emotions aside and face these two possibilities – he may accept that he’s done you wrong and apologise or do the very common, deny it with some cock and bull story. Either way you need to prepare yourself for whatever happens eventually.

Most men would blame their partner for their wondering off, this is unacceptable and unfair. If he comes clean with the truth and you intend saving your marriage, you both need to figure out how he arrived at the point where he had to look outside of your marriage for companionship. Is there something lacking in your relationship? Have you become so busy with other responsibilities you’ve neglected intimacy? Figure these out and make it work.

But if he does deny it or blames it on you. Do not accept this, like I said before it’s his fault he broke your vows and is cheating on you emotionally.  Essentially, you’ve become an outsider in your own relationship and this could get even worse depending on how far he’s gone with this other woman your marriage may be in danger.

You have invested a lot in your marriage and wouldn’t want to let it go, but do not make excuses for him or be blackmailed into staying with a man that has his heart with another woman – that’s even worse than cheating physically. Whatever happens is totally your choice to make. But you must know that you would be fine. You would shed a few (or lots) of tears but you would be fine. You’re so much more outside being married.

Wish you luck with this.


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